October 16: How am I?

The grays that hung on are growing!

Work is really picking up, the days are full of meetings so they’re flying by. I don’t think much about the cancer — probably the most time spent on it is during my walk over to the hospital, and I think my biggest concern is that I’m not upset that I was diagnosed with it. Somehow I’ve conveniently compartmentalized this fact and feel no emotion, no angst about it.  I worry that I’m in some sort of denial. But by the time I get to the hospital I’m already thinking about something else, and when my treatment is finished, I’m focused back on what needs to be done at the office.

I’m so over the wig — I want my hair back! Now that the grays are growing, I search each night for some sign that the other hairs are starting to return. I carefully run my fingers over the terrain of the bald areas, but so far my heart hasn’t fluttered from the delightful discovery of new stubble. My head still seems to be a vast desert of empty follicles, void of any life. At night when I wash my face I inspect my scalp in the mirror, scrutinizing the landscape in the hopes of seeing a 5 o’clock shadow. No luck, but I’m thankful I didn’t lose my eyelashes or eyebrows.

The skin on my scalp is soft, sort of like a newborn’s butt. Evidently my hair has protected this patch of skin from the elements.

I wasn’t kidding when I said by the time I’m in the hospital I’m thinking about something else. When I walked through the halls yesterday, I observed all of the bald heads of the men around me. Did you ever notice that some of them are as shiny as a bowling ball, while others are more of a “matte finish?” Mine doesn’t shine, maybe that has to do with skin type, or the amount of time it has been exposed. I don’t know, I’m just thankful mine doesn’t reflect light!

Otherwise, there’s no change it me, I feel the same as I did last June before the diagnosis, completely normal – except for that pesky draft against my scalp!

Oct. 9: Venturing outside

 

Not much dark hair left!

 

It was too hot to wear anything on my head today. I ventured out with the baseball cap to wash and wax my cars, but immediately took it off. Instead I slathered my head with sunscreen and headed back out. I felt self conscious for a little while, but it faded away. It’s a strange sensation to feel the wind against my scalp.

Although I’ve been forthcoming about my cancer to my coworkers, I haven’t discussed it with many of my neighbors. I didn’t want people stopping by with chicken soup, or checking in on me to see if I’m alright. They may have wondered why my mother stayed with me for awhile, and why my father has mowed my lawn most of the summer.

I was thrilled to have such a nice day to get the cars ready for winter. The dogs had a great time romping around in the backyard, fetching the ball and dropping it at my feet when I watered the plants.

It must be strange to see me running around my yard, as if nothing happened, yet looking very much like a cancer patient. What do you say to me?

The dark hair is still falling out, but there isn’t much left. Ironically, it looks like the grays are made of tougher stuff. They’re hanging on and possibly growing! That makes me optimistic that pretty soon I’ll have a head full of stubble again.

Sept. 29: Hair, hair everywhere … except upon my head

The pile of stubble that carpeted my bathtub this morning

Well, it hasn’t finished falling out. This morning my tub looked like it was carpeted in stubble. By the time I got home tonight, the sides of my head were pretty much hairless. It now looks like I have an advanced case of mange. It seems my gut feeling about being hairless by Wednesday was darned close. If I hadn’t shaved my head, I would’ve looked pretty patchy by today.

It seems that people at work didn’t quite know what to do about me — they didn’t know if they should avoid the topic of cancer and say nothing about the wig, or if they should bring it up. So I sent out an e-mail to the folks I work with regularly and told them I was comfortable talking about the cancer. Hopefully it will help everyone feel at ease around me.

Around lunchtime I ran into a coworker in the bathroom and we talked about my cancer and the wig. I took off the wig to show her my shaved head, and while we were talking two other gals came in. They said I looked fine without the wig, but I told them I would be too self-conscious. It felt good to get the mop off of my head for a few minutes mid-day so I could scratch the heck out of my scalp. The elastic around the edges is a bit challenging. At the end of the day I have red ring around my skull.

Tonight we celebrated my father’s birthday, so the family got to see me in my stylish new “do.” They thought it was a good choice. After dinner I pulled it off and everyone commented on my beautifully round noggin.

Luckily it’s a warm evening so I don’t have to wear a cap for a few hours, my scalp can get a chance to recuperate.

I expected the dogs to bark at me when I came home hairless, but they didn’t seem to notice. On the other hand, Callie had a fit about the wig/Styrofoam form sitting on the dining room table. We had quite a round of barking at the alien creature stationed on the table. We have follow-up sessions each night as Callie warns me about the odd being as I brush out the tangles of my wig.

Tomorrow it’s back to the medical oncologist for follow-up and then off to radiation planning on Monday.

Sept. 28: Wigging out

Day three wearing a wig. Whew. On Sunday I took the dogs to Bong Recreational area for a two-hour walk. I wore the short wig, but worried the entire time that I’d get too hot and ruin the wig. The next time I might just wear a baseball cap. I see so few people out there and pass by so quickly that I don’t think anybody will care. Now the grocery store, that’s another story…

It was weird at work the first day. People who knew I was planning to shave my head were very complimentary about the wig. Others complimented me on my new hairstyle, and I didn’t know whether to thank them or explain my “chemo wig.” So I acted like Sybil and handled it differently depending on my mood.

The long wig feels strange. Since it isn’t real hair, the texture is odd when I run my fingers through it, and the strands near my neck seem to tangle easily. When I come home, the first thing I do is rip off the wig, then I comb it and prep it for the next day. Afterward I spend about 15 minutes scratching my scalp — the elastic on the wig makes my head itch.

I look like I’ve got a mild case of mange. There are parts of my scalp that don’t have much hair left — either that or the grays are so light I can’t see them.

One thing to keep in mind when wearing a wig is to wear clothes that come off easily over the wig when going to the doctor. Unfortunately I still haven’t figured that out and the last two days struggled with trying to keep my wig on while taking my clothes off. Monday morning I went to a new rheumatologist and he required a full body examination on the first visit. He was pretty good about dealing with my desire to remain on minocycline. He offered me another drug to take along with it, which I’m considering. In addition I let him give me a cortisone shot in my right wrist. Hopefully this’ll hold me until I get wrist surgery.

I started today with a visit with “Helga the Hun,” my occupational therapist. She was pretty good, there was no lecture on the perils of lymphedema. She spent most of the time trying to stretch and snap one last lymph node cord in my arm. It doesn’t limit my range of motion, but it’s still there and seems to be about as stubborn as I am. The good news is that I’ve been discharged after my third visit, she’s pleased with my range of motion and overall condition.

Tonight I stayed in Milwaukee and went to the monthly breast cancer support group. One of the gals from my first visit was there as well, and we had another woman who had gone through a lumpectomy and follow-up treatment in 2008. It’s really nice to sit down with these women and share concerns and opinions, and listen to advice.

On Thursday I see my medical oncologist, then on Monday I’ll finally get to see my dermatologist. One plus of a buzz cut is that my dermatologist can give my head a thorough once over — hopefully the only chance he’ll get! Later in the day on Monday I go for my radiation planning session. I’m getting close to finishing up!

Sept. 25: Hair today, gone tomorrow

The only way to stop the shedding!

My hairball grew -- and this is without the hair pulled in the wind!

This morning I looked like me, now I look like G.I. Jane. I have the slightest stubble sticking out of my head. I can’t believe I still have that much hair left! On Friday the shedding got worse, the handfuls of hair got bigger, and the overall hair loss picked up pace. I grossed out my coworkers by showing them the shedding by tugging at my thinning tresses and pulling out handfuls in front each of them. They didn’t want me to do it again, and I suspect Norman, from the cleanup crew, is wondering who in the world is going around yanking out hair.

It took forever to get ready Friday morning. Every time I ran the comb through my hair, or tried to curl a clump with the curling iron, the item was strewn with strands. I kept sweeping my hand over the counter and my clothes to pick up the straying hairs. I really got sick and tired of the never-ending layer of hair over my face, my clothes, the floor, the couch, the bed …! And that’s not the only place I’m shedding, if you get my drift — but my eyebrows, eyelashes, and the hair on my legs and arms currently all remain intact.

I knew I would have to get my head shaved on Saturday. Otherwise, I surmised, by Wednesday people would notice my lack of hair. This morning I looked okay, but when I touched my head with my hand, I couldn’t comprehend the little bit of hair between my palm and scalp. It was freaky. And, as I mentioned, I’m so over shedding like a sheepdog.

I didn’t sleep well, wondering if all my hair would be on my pillow in the morning instead of on my head. When I got up, I got dressed, threw on some makeup, ran a brush through my minimal mane, and headed up to Milwaukee to “do the needful.”

My wig for bumming around

David was busy with another client, so I looked around to find a second wig to wear off-hours. I wanted something I could throw on to go to the grocery store or walk the dogs in the neighborhood. I picked out a short one that’s a little more stylish than I’m used to. It’s a little “poofy” in the back, and the front is asymmetrical. It’s cute, but it’ll take me a while to get used to it. To me it looks like I’m wearing a wig.

While perusing the wigs, two young people came into the shop to pick up a wig for the girl’s mother. It sounded like her mother, like me, selected her wig before undergoing chemo. I mentioned to the girl that the hair loss came on fast. She said she didn’t want to tell her mom that. I wanted to go up to the girl and wrap my arms around her and tell her that it would be okay. That it was just hair and it would grow back.

When the time came to get my head shaved, David offered me a box of tissues, he said some women needed it. I told him I’d be fine, and we exchanged sun-tanning stories while he cut off my hair and then buzzed my scalp. Before I knew it, he was done and I looked like an Army recruit.

After David shaved my head, I put on a nylon cap so I could try on some wigs. Without the stubble showing through, I looked like John Luc Picard from the Star Trek series. David assured me that I will be losing the stubble, so I’d better start practicing Captain Picard’s standard line from the series, “make it so.” I think I’ll pass on the uniform, though.

David trimmed the bangs of both wigs and explained to me how to care for them. I was advised to pick up a light cap, that women prefer something on their heads when they go to bed. I also suspect it’ll come in handy when the days get cooler and my furnace is set at 68°.

I drove off wearing the funky short wig. On the way home I took it for a spin, stopping at the gas station and the local coffee shop. As I said, it will take some getting used to.

Without the wig, my head is experiencing brand-new sensations. When I walk, I feel the breeze against my scalp, and when I put on my shirt, my scalp felt the fabric.

I’ve decided to take it easy today, I need to get used to seeing myself this way. For the most part, it doesn’t startle me, but it does look a little strange when I have no clothes on — breasts and a buzz cut just don’t go together. I’m comforted to know though, that with makeup on, you can tell I’m a female, I don’t look like a man in drag.

Whew.

Sept. 23: Good-bye hair!

The hair I lost this morning

It’s lively in the oncology waiting room today. There seem to be more “young” people interspersed with the seniors.

My hair is falling out, no question. When I run my fingers through my mane, I end up with a clump almost every time — looks like I’m holding hair fringe. If it keeps up like this through Saturday morning, I’ll have to get my head shaved. I normally have thick hair, but even mine can’t hold out with this volume of hair loss.

Something else I’m curious about: chemo can put women into menopause. I’m wondering if my single dose finished off my ovaries. At this point in my life it’s pretty much inevitable anyway.

The bloodletting is done and now I’m in the infusion room waiting for the results. It’s quieter back here today.

The first time I was in the oncology waiting room, I saw a woman with a halo of fine, light hair. She looked like a newborn. I guess post-chemo can be viewed as a rebirth, sort of like a phoenix rising out of the ashes of illness. A new lease on life.

Fifteen minutes with the nurse, and I was done. She asked me about the various side effects and my overall status. Since I feel normal, there wasn’t much to talk about. Again, my blood work came back in good shape and my blood pressure is back to normal. So I returned to work and finished the day.

Tonight I stood outside in the brisk wind for about five minutes and just kept pulling out hair, tuft after tuft. It never stops coming out. I work in the kitchen, it falls in the sink. I brush my teeth, it falls in the sink. This morning I was late to work because I kept combing my hair and the strands kept coming out. After I blow dried it, a small mass accumulated on the tile floor. When I look in the mirror, I can’t believe I still look the same. Man, I must have a lot of hair!

Sept. 22: The fallout from chemo

The shedding has begun, I noticed it this morning as I pulled out small handfuls of hair. I have the wig at the ready, in case it gets so bad I need to take cover beneath a synthetic substitute. I guess there won’t be any more trips down the highway with the convertible top down, it would be too hard on my little follicles, struggling to keep hold of every strand of hair!

I didn’t really get much in the way of mouth sores, just one little spot, but the roof of my mouth got “textured,” like sandpaper. The tip of my tongue felt numb, and for a couple of days the top of my tongue was almost completely white.

The drugs worked great for nausea, I never had any problems on that front. I lost my appetite for a few days, and then I was famished for a couple. At that point I fell madly in love with cottage cheese and scrambled eggs. Chocolate still tasted good, but things like apples, orange juice, cranberry juice, yogurt and ginger ale all tasted like it went bad. Nuts and dried apricots were good, some pastas were good and some were not.

I never imagined I could be as tired as I was, for about four days. Two of the days I slept well, the other two were toss and turns all night. I also felt loopy for a few days, unable to concentrate on pretty much anything.

The chest pain lasted for about four days. It hurt enough to be uncomfortable, but not enough that I needed any major pain medication. It was more scary than painful. But the irregular heartbeat scared me as well. Nothing like feeling your pulse and every so often your heart does a little jig. Yikes.

I also had little shooting pains throughout my trunk. The nurse said that was from my nerve endings. As for numbness, most of it has disappeared. My lips were tingling, and I had the slightest of tingling in my fingers. I still have a dead spot on the heel of my foot, but it doesn’t affect my balance. When I touched my lower legs I could feel it, but it was a bit muted. My nose is also no longer numb.

There was a slight dizziness for a few days — one day I felt safer in the car than walking — pity my fellow drivers!

My skin didn’t change at all, and I didn’t get diarrhea. I had the opposite problem, and my digestive system still seems to be a bit sluggish.

No bleeding anywhere – gums, etc.

I was surprised to bounce back so quickly. The differences between Monday and Tuesday were like night and day, and by Thursday I no longer needed more sleep than usual. Saturday morning I was back on the treadmill.

Normal, once again!  😉